Apes, Aliens or Angels?
Perhaps the most challenging question for us humans is: Where did we come from? From what essential source did humanity arise?
I wanted to find out. I decided to conduct scientific experiments that would once and for all reveal our real origins. First, I boiled down all the various theories and myths and doctrines to three essential possibilities: we came from either Apes, Aliens, or Deities. Either God created us, lovingly lavishing upon us the best metaphysics, or Apes evolved into us, their alpha males continuously raping the most genetically fit females, or Aliens seeded our planet with horrible green semen while copulating with animals.
A fourth possibility is that we just sprang into existence from nothingness, blasted into being by the so-called Big Bang and then, by sheer randomness, came to be here now — somehow I doubt it.
We possess characteristics of all three of our potential forbearers. Consider the Apes: we look like them. Darwin described our ascent from them. The fossil record announces our evolutionary simian credentials. Only fanatics with their heads in the sand would be stupid enough to argue with that.
Consider God. We have soul. We have divine form — we’re taught that we were created in God’s image. Every culture has creation myths in which humans are seen as imperfect mirror-images of an all-encompassing deity bigger and better than anything. Who would dare argue with that???
Consider the Aliens. From where else could we have gotten our amazing intelligence??? Every ancient civilization left records of their contacts with UFOs. Who could possibly doubt that our ancestors serviced Aliens sexually, and that we are the resulting cosmic crossbreed?
Where did we come from??? I hypothesized that whoever or whatever created us would still echo within us. I predicted that we would still be sexually aroused by our creator. We’d still want to fuck and be fucked by Him or Her or It or whatever. We’re not aware of this on a conscious level, but it’s there. I designed experiments to probe the most primitive depths of the human psyche, to test levels of sexual attraction to our possible progenitors.
First the Aliens. Did any sexual excitement stir as I contemplated their smooth, seamless physiques — their soft gray skin shining in the pale light, their barbed penis-like extensions probing every orifice of one’s body, in the bowels of a UFO — ??? Or was I turned on by their advanced intelligence and their IQ measured in powers of infinity???
I proceeded to interact with the Aliens. First, I drove down a deserted road late one moonless night. Then, as I predicted, lights appeared in the sky. The lights drew closer until I could see a saucer-shaped spacecraft. Within seconds I was hauled aboard their ship by an invisible tractor beam. I was placed on a cold metal slab and restrained by a force field.
And then he, or she, or it, appeared. Wow! Whatever this thing was, it certainly proved itself capable of creating new races. I fucked it, it fucked me — and on and on in experimental ecstasy. I wanted that gray skin, those almond-shaped eyes, that androgyny — It probed me, I probed it, while its bug-headed companions looked on. Those interplanetary experimenters never realized that it was I who was conducting the experiment!
Next: God. Could I be aroused at the idea of mighty and beautiful guardians of the heavens stepping down from golden pantheons and for a brief moment making me feel so good ??? Could I respond to the advances of war-gods and fertility goddesses, and sea-nymphs???
I went into a church and asked a priest to help me. He took me into the confessional and blew me. In the spirit of scientific research I tried to fuck him but was unable to. That I found exciting.
I went into a synagogue and asked a rabbi to help me. He took me into a secret passageway and blew me. I tried to fuck him and had somewhat more success than with the priest. That I found very exciting.
I went into a mosque and — well, never mind.
Next: the Apes. Did we come from them? Or did they cum — and here we are??? Very important questions.
After the zoo closed I climbed over the fence and headed for the Ape house. I felt as if they were waiting for me. Who was I — a human just like those who imprisoned these magnificent animals — who was I to enter their jungle-y world of wonder and hunger and desire??? Apes are very much like us in that they like to fuck. And, like us, they don’t care who they do it with. I gritted my teeth and went inside.
At first those wild primates made a big fuss, pounding their chests and pissing — the gorillas were especially worrisome because they get a hard-on when they’re angered, and the chimps are crazy. But after a few minutes they became familiar with me — I was simply another human intruder. I took off my clothes and stood there before them, naked before the hooting and hollering.
Could these dirty animals, with their stinking rumps and bad breath, somehow turn me on??? Certainly not in their present state. But my unconscious mind drifted back to an earlier era, a time when peaceful primates luxuriated among the rain forest’s bounty, and whenever one of them wanted sex, they just reached out to the nearest other peaceful primate, and — boom! — and then they went back to whatever they were doing, like nothing happened. A continuous outpouring of babies testified that it all worked.
Soon the Apes were all over me. In some of the most disgusting acts imaginable, I investigated the erotic interplay between man and beast. I had to be careful — remember what happened when that French guy fucked the Green Monkey over in Africa — and so I delicately caressed their most private parts until at length I felt the distant stirrings of sexual excitement. For discretion's sake I can only reveal one clinical detail of that night’s work: I met the real King Kong !!!
And so went my experiments regarding humanity’s origins. To summarize, I hypothesized that we harbored vestigial sexual desires for whoever or whatever created us. I tested for sexual attraction to three potential forbearers: Apes, Aliens, Deities. I subjected myself to indignation and personal danger, all in the name of science.
I calculated a 32 percent chance that we came from Deities, a 33 percent chance we came from Apes, and a 34 percent chance we came from Aliens. The remaining one percent was the possibility that we sprang outta nothingness from the Big Bang. I crunched those numbers and put on my thinking cap, and soon the answer was right there in front of me.
After that, it was all downhill for me. No one accepted my evidence. No one accepted my methodology. No one even believed me. They said my experiments couldn’t be replicated, that I was too subjective in my analysis, that I was just horny. Well, fuck ‘em.
I knew better. I went beyond the boundaries of scientific logic and human decency. I was warned that there were questions never to be asked, secrets that should never be known, such as: Where did we come from ???
And now you too have been warned.